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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25040338">A Hole In the Passenger's Side Seat</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_only_mildly_ashamed/pseuds/Im_only_mildly_ashamed'>Im_only_mildly_ashamed</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunter X Hunter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ambiguous/Open Ending, Driving, Explicit Language, M/M, Missing Persons, Missing!Gon, Multiple Perspectives, Poor Life Choices, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, hxhbb</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:28:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,335</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25040338</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_only_mildly_ashamed/pseuds/Im_only_mildly_ashamed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“That’s all of them Alluka.”<br/>He was talking to his sister. He pressed a thumb to his bleeding nose.<br/>“Every telephone pole, every wall, every billboard, every asshole on the street.”<br/>Killua sighed. Or maybe he was leaving her a message.<br/>“He’s just fucking gone.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Hxhbb</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Part the first</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>1</b>
</p><p>    Killua realized he was covering a poster he'd put up earlier today. Wait, was that today? He blinked and tried to get his eyes to focus. After a few seconds he could read Gon's face on the missing poster. He was smiling, but Killua had been looking at this smile forever. He knew that smile was shallow and fake. Killua blinked a few times, trying to get his eyes to unfocus, just to see if he could do it. Yeah, he was pretty sure that was today. He closed his eyes and ground his palms hard into his own face. The pain did not wake him up.</p><p> </p><p>    Killua was in the car. He hadn't turned the keys, he hadn't even closed the door. His fingers whitened at every knuckle from how hard he was gripping the wheel, but his head lolled back over the chair like his neck had no muscles. What had happened to the headrest? Killua's fingers were starting to burn. Oh that’s right, he’d torn it out the first week, while he was having a screaming shit-fit. Screaming, sobbing, whatever. Killua smiled wide and delirious at the coffee stain on the roof of his car. Gon’s car. Killua slammed his face into the dashboard and screamed.</p><p> </p><p>    “That’s all of them Alluka.”</p><p>    He was talking to his sister. He pressed a thumb to his bleeding nose.</p><p>    “Every telephone pole, every wall, every billboard, every asshole on the street.”</p><p>    Killua sighed. Or maybe he was leaving her a message.</p><p>    “He’s just fucking gone.”</p><p> </p><p>    Killua’s autopilot started driving him home. He crammed a pair of greasy napkins up his nose to stop the bleeding.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>1a</b>
</p><p>It was about 4 AM, and Killua had crashed on her couch. Alluka had to be out the door half an hour ago, but she still antsed back and forth just inside the door, deciding if she could forgive herself for waking him. He started twitching in his sleep, fitful little jerks here and there, and that made the choice for her. She slammed a textbook onto the coffee table as hard as she could and Killua jumped awake.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>2</b>
</p><p>    “Go home, I love you,” is what she said as she left. Killua’s autopilot had not taken him home.</p><p>    He was now laying across the backseat of his car, feet sticking out the open window. His eyes were closed, he was nearly asleep. He reached with one hand to grab the can of soda he’d picked up in the lobby of her apartment building. He shook the can without thinking and cracked open the seal. The car filled with the reeking scent of cheap ginger ale as brown bubbling fluid fizzed over Killua’s arm and bled onto the floor. He laid there and let it ruin his carpet.  Gon’s carpet. Killua sat up and sipped his drink. It tasted like bubbles and brown food coloring.</p><p>    He looked out the window and between his shoes at the grey and yellow concrete block that housed his sister. Killua set his can carefully on the cup holder between the front seats and slid his boots out from in front of him. The Yellow Brick housed other people too.</p><p>    Killua drove home. He was even cognizant enough to be annoyed at the guy who didn't use turn signals. From inside his car and far enough away he couldn't be heard in any case, Killua shouted, "Hey dickhead, learn to drive!" While snapping his gaze to look at the other car speeding along the freeway, Killua was thinking about his posters. Had he written the wrong phone number? Then Killua crashed his car.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>2a</b>
</p><p>The only thing Killua could focus on was that smile. He smiled like he could shit sunlight. It made Killua want to taste his teeth. Killua knew he was gay, but it wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be shameful, kept from the sun and rain. It wasn't supposed to be crushes and blushes.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>3</b>
</p><p>Killua woke up. He’d fallen asleep at a red light. Someone behind him was bashing their horn over and over again. He pressed on the gas without looking and tore past the now yellow light.</p><p>Had he crashed? Had his car screamed, rubber on pavement as he spun out of control?</p><p>Killua changed lanes. Where could Gon have disappeared to? He screwed his eyes briefly shut and shook his head. He snapped them open again, remembering he was driving. He changed lanes again. Why did he never call? Why had that fucking moron left his phone in his car? He changed lanes again. The sirens start as he scrubs at his stinging eyes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>3a</b>
</p><p>"I think I'm in love with Gon."</p><p>"Yup. You gonna finish that?"</p><p>Killua pulled his yogurt away defensively.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>4</b>
</p><p>    Someone tapped on the glass. Killua rolled down the window. Kurapika.</p><p>    "Kurapika."</p><p>    Kurapika leaned down to look Killua in the eyes.</p><p>    "Kurapika," he repeated.</p><p>    "Hi Killua."</p><p>    "Kurapika."</p><p>    "You look like shit."</p><p>    "Thanks."</p><p>    "Move over.”</p><p>    Killua turned away from Kurapika and looked at his hands on the wheel. He’d cut himself at some point. Blood crawled out from his cut ring finger. Would he have ever married Gon?</p><p>    “Yeah I guess."</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>3b</b>
</p><p>"The fuck does that mean?"</p><p>Leorio snorted.</p><p>"It's clear you are <em> obsessed </em> with him. You need to step back, give him some time to miss you."</p><p>Killua turned back his yogurt at that, shoveling it into his mouth. Once his food was gone, he looked at it a minute before mumbling, "bite me."</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>2b</b>
</p><p>    Killua and Gon were inseparable. They did everything but kiss. Gon would call from his work and they talked for his hour long lunch break. While Killua had still been in school, he'd skip most of a class to take his calls. </p><p>    More than once, Alluka found them curled into a ball on Killua's bed or the couch. Killua would pose the defense that Gon had a long day of construction and Gon would say nothing. That's what they'd had their first fight about. Killua said you make people think we’re a couple, Gon said would that be so bad, Killua said yeah, Gon said yeah what, Killua said yeah it would be so bad, Gon said you're lying, Killua said <em> get off, </em> Gon said you're too much Killua, Killua said <b> <em>get off</em> </b>, and Gon said.</p><p>    When Alluka came upstairs with the taser she found Gon on his ass with a bruise on his face. Killua said leave and Gon didn't say anything, he just got his jacket and left. Alluka asked what happened even though she probably knew and Killua went back downstairs into his room with his laptop and napkins and lotion.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>1b</b>
</p><p>    Alluka's day got worse from there. She was very late to class, and begging forgiveness might not get her out of it this time. The teacher didn't seem to notice and on her half hour break after her first class her friend got her all caught up.</p><p>    Apparently what she'd missed was the professor struggling to make the projector work, attendance, a second round of projector struggles, and the introduction to differential calculus. The education wasn't something Alluka was overly concerned about, she was surrounded by smart people who could catch her up.</p><p>    The conversation moved to something a little more casual, talking about their next classes and what their dinner plans were. Then Amane asked how Alluka was feeling, so Alluka told her what was going on.</p><p>    Amane said "sorry I've got to go". Alluka said "oh" and Amane said "yeah." She left, and Alluka finished her coffee, sitting alone in the cafe for the next seven minutes until her class.</p><p>    Alluka was late again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>5</b>
</p><p>    Killua was dreaming; he was dreaming about being in a field with Gon. He hadn't been in many fields, only the ones under old transmission towers with tall grass and lots and lots of ticks. He dreamed about picking ticks off Gon. Off his back and chest and legs and thighs and Gon said something. Something mean and stupid like "I care about you, Killua" or "Killua, you are my friend." Then all he could focus on was wanting Gon off him. To hit or kick and whack until he was away and before long he was dreaming of a shovel scraping out a hole in the field. </p><p>    "Do you regret it?" Killua asked.</p><p>    He was awake now. Probably.</p><p>    "Leaving my squad car to drive you home? No."</p><p>    Killua could have specified his question with lots of hurtful things. 'Becoming a cop' or 'leaving Leorio' or 'leaving your family behind' but all of it felt wrong on his tongue. Instead he just shook his head.</p><p>    "What?" Kurapika asked, glancing at the rearview mirror. It's adjusted wrong. He was driving Gon's car.</p><p>    "Nothing," killua mumbled</p><p>    "<em> What </em>?"</p><p>    Killua let out a loud, frustrated scoff. Before starting again. </p><p>    "Do you regret it?"</p><p>    He could mean so many things; the surgery, moving out, dropping out, the one kiss they'd shared, anything. Kurapika tightened his jaw.</p><p>    "That's not a complete thought."</p><p>    "Do you regret it?"</p><p>    "I'm not Gon, you can't play games with me."</p><p>    That was the problem. Kurapika was too smart. He'd never do what Killua wanted him to just because Killua wanted it. He was also too stupid. Gon knew what Killua meant before he did. He understood the inside of Killua's head, like he'd dissected it with his eyes. He'd done the same with so many bugs and trees and leaves. It was terrifying to be known so deeply, but so peaceful.</p><p>    Killua shut up after that. He just left Kurapika drive his car. Gon’s car.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>5a</b>
</p><p>    Kurapika sat on Killua’s couch. He was still in uniform, feeling awkward the way people always do while overdressed. His fingers slid along the brim of his cap, causing it to move on a slow, stuttering spin. He stood up, looking around for somewhere to put it. He wasn’t sure how many of the surfaces he trusted given the boys’ iffy cleaning habits. Eventually, he decided on the hat hooks on the front door of their apartment. Right. That was settled.</p><p>    Kurapika turned back to the kitchen/living room space. The sink was overflowing with dishes. Looking at it made Kurapika’s nails itch. It reminded him of home, just enough. He walked back across the room, and started moving plates out of the way before stopping again. Killua was sleeping. He put the two plates he’d touched in a pile next to the sink. </p><p>He walked out of the kitchen, back to the couch. He sat down. He tapped his fingers on his knees and sat with a tight, accurate posture. He pulled his phone out. 7%. He put his phone back. He cleared his throat. Maybe Killua had books.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>6</b>
</p><p>    Kurapika was curled into a book. He’d started a pile on the coffee table of what he’d already read. He’d apparently churned through Killua’s comic collection and now he was browsing Gon’s books on nature. Killua grinned and then smacked his palm hard on the wall. Kurapika jumped at Killua’s snort, then walked over to the couch and sat next to him. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Killua scrolled through his phone and Kurapika reached a breaking point.</p><p>    “How have you been?”</p><p>    Killua snorted.</p><p>    “Great.”</p><p>    Kurapika stacked his book, though half read, on the pile on the coffee table. Killua was sure his lie was transparent.</p><p>    “You’re not a very good liar.”</p><p>    “I am when I’m trying.”</p><p>    “Must not try very often.”</p><p>    Killua snorted, enjoying the joke at his expense. He and Kurapika were often on the same wavelength.</p><p>    “Should I give up?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>5b</b>
</p><p>Kurapika was curled into a book, enjoying himself greatly. Then someone slammed something hard and Kurapika jumped. For a split second, he was back at the academy and someone was going to explain to him  why he was a fuck up. He looked up. It was Killua, with a devilish grin. He spitefully buried his nose in his book again. If Killua noticed his petty action, he didn’t comment, just walked over and floomped onto the couch with his feet kicked up. After a minute, Kurapika stopped trying to remember his paragraph and just focused on remembering his page. Page 137.</p><p>They shared a few quips. Page 137. Then they sat in silence. Killua was wearing black shorts, blue shirt. His hair was a mess, but it’s always a mess. He had scrapes and half hearted bandages on his knees. Page 137. He could use all of those in a missing persons report.</p><p>“Should I give up?”</p><p>Killua’s tone was sad, almost empty. Page 137. Kurapika had no idea how to comfort him. The objective truth was that yes, he should. After three months with no signs, the kind of investigation Killua could do would stop helping. On the other hand, it would hurt to hear. Killua stuffed his phone in his pocket and turned to look at Kurapika. Page 137. Killua needed to know the truth.</p><p>“I am unsure. I think it would be wise to take a few days break.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>1c</b>
</p><p>    Alluka’s day got better. The homework she didn’t get to wasn’t due for another week. She’d forgotten that. Better than that she talked with her teacher after class and he said that attendance didn’t really matter as long as she got the work done. Alluka only ever got most of her work done but it was better not to say that. Best of all was Amane; she apologized.</p><p>    After that class she was sitting in the cafe deciding if going home was worth it or if she could stay and study when Amane sat down across from her. She had a scone. “I’m sorry about before” she said and Alluka out of habit entirely said “It’s fine” and Amane said “No, it’s not.” Alluka’s brain skipped a beat trying to process that. Amane gave her a minute. When the minute was up she said “You opened up to me which is something you struggle with but you did it and I left you because I’m weak but I’m here I promise.”</p><p>    Alluka cried.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>7</b>
</p><p>    Killua tried to summon his misery again. He tried to summon his anger, or any emotion but the deep, slow and exhausting heartache. It was like someone had torn open his stomach, prodded the organs until they were just a little sore, and then stitched him back up. He was OK in the broad strokes: he'd known Gon for less than a year and he'd been gone for months, the pain was mostly faded. All that was left memories of the most important person in the world to him.</p><p>    "You want more popcorn?"</p><p>    That was another thing. Kurapika should make a difference. It's hard to summon enough sadness when you're swaddled in blankets and full of popcorn. Kurapika was doing his dishes too, that should also make him happy. Nope. Just a soft aching chest and the urge not to sleep.</p><p>    Apparently he hadn't answered quickly enough. Kurapika left the dishes to come over to him and pour him a small bowl of burst kernels. Well, now they were in front of him. He took a palmful and chewed. They were starting to cool, getting less pleasingly crunchy.</p><p>    "How many more vacation days do you have?" he asked, trying to distract himself.</p><p>    "Two."</p><p>    Killua nodded.</p><p>    "What about you?" Kurapika asked.</p><p>    Killua wondered. What about him?</p><p>    “I probably should talk to Ikalgo,” he said, sounding sleepy, “tomorrow.”<br/>    Kurapika was probably worried, but he was nothing if not controlled. It was stressful: you could never tell what he was thinking. Kurapika sat next to him on the couch, before wrapping an arm around the mountain of blankets that roughly made up his back. He patted the area a few times, trying to be reassuring. Then he withdrew, siddeling over to his half of the couch. Then, after a moment, he reconsidered, leaning over to wrap his arms around Killua’s swaddled chest.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>5c</b>
</p><p>    “Uh, two.” Kurapika mumbled. He swallowed, trying to steel himself, to focus. If Killua reacted, Kurapika didn’t see it.</p><p>“What about you?” he asked, trying to focus on anything but the stirring in his guts. He’d do it. He was ready. Killua needed a friend right now. </p><p>“I should probably talk to Ikalgo.” Killua said. He sounded so tired. Kurapika patted the cloth on his back. No, that was weak. He swallowed, before going in for a hug. They stayed like that, both frozen and waiting for the other to move. This was awkward. He disengaged. He scooted a little further on the couch. He looked for the right words to say.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>1D</b>
</p><p>    Alluka went to Killua’s apartment. Amane was nice enough to go with her. She found him on the couch, sitting about a foot apart from Kurapika. Kurapika looked uncomfortable. Killua looked sad, like he did when he thought about Gon. She held Amane’s hand. </p><p>    Killua said hello and Alluka said hi and Amane said hi and Kurapika said good afternoon Amane and Alluka. Alluka privately wondered how Kurapika knew her name. Kurapika then asked if Alluka would like to sit with them and enjoy some popcorn, stale though it might be. Alluka wanted to say no, to get to the nasty, hair business of confronting Killua about what he does. But she can't summon it. She hasn't had popcorn or company in a long time. She looks to Amane. She nods. She'll be there. It seems like she might always be there.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>8</b>
</p><p>Killua was thinking about Gon. "Thinking" may have been a strong word. He was aching about Gon. No thoughts like sentences or images were discernible. It was all grey mush, knee deep in his mind. Gon. Gon-mush. His sister was with him, and still it was all he could do to stay above the Gon mush; to keep treading water. He left the couch, going to the bathroom.</p><p>Alone with linoleum and unflattering white light Killua looked at himself. He hadn't even realized he was wearing one of Gon's shirts. He looked like shit. He smacked himself hard across the face. The sound was crisp in the quiet of the bathroom. He was still dead tired.</p><p>"Stop that."</p><p>Kurapika.</p><p>"Kurapika." Killua accused.</p><p>Kurapika closed the bathroom door behind him. He met Killua gaze with steely resolve. Killua folded first.</p><p>"Wasn't like that," he mumbled, turning to the scrawny vampire in the mirror. He pretended to stop paying attention to Kurapika. His phone started ringing, but he didn’t want to break eye contact with himself.</p><p>“Oh? What was it about?”</p><p>“Waking myself up.”</p><p>Kurapika braced Killua’s shoulders, holding them comfortably, if not stiffly. His hands shook slightly at the contact. Killua remembered how hard it was for him to touch anyone two years ago. He hadn’t been to the dentist or doctor for over a year when they’d met, just because he hated to be touched anywhere. And here he was, holding Killua. Twice, he realized. He hadn’t even noticed the first time. Killua’s phone rang and Kurapika’s hands jumped off him like burned spiders. Killua turned to look and recapture them, but Kurapika was leaving. He walked out the door and back out of the bathroom.</p><p>In the silence, Killua’s phone chirped again. He snapped it to his face.</p><p>“What?” he said, tone carefully not betraying his turmoil.</p><p>"Hi."</p><p>Killua waited for them to finish. His guts started to swirl.</p><p>"OK."</p><p>Gon was still what ached in his mind. In the Gon shaped brakish muck in his mind, he could see blood spiraling out like a pinwheel.</p><p>"Where are you?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part the last</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <b>9</b>
</p><p>    Killua sat in his car, gripping the wheel like any moment now, someone would try to rip it from his grasp. He chewed his tongue idly, more shifting it around in his mouth than biting. Gon’s car. He stuffed a hand down the pocket in the car door, finding a half melted candy bar pooling at the bottom. He ripped its wrapper open with his teeth before starting Gon’s car.</p><p>    He tore a bite off his snickers, chocolate and caramel sticking to his teeth like the sweetest cement. He pulled out of his apartment complex, out onto the highway. He tried to focus on his fears for Illumi, or Alluka or even Gon. All he could bring into his focus was his dream. He lusted for it, like a drowned man lusts for air. He wanted to hear Gon’s jeep scream as the tires spun out. He clutched the wheel harder, fantasizing about the golden moment after impact, where weightless terror is all you can feel.</p><p>    He dropped the candy, half eaten, into the cupholder before wrestling with his pocket to pull out his phone. He left Gon a message.</p><p>    <b>PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR</b> </p><p>“Gon Freecs,” Gon said, emotionally flat. Killua’s heart cartwheeled and he hated it for that.</p><p>    “I had that dream again,” he said, no introductions or greetings. Not for a corpse anyway. He shakes the thought from his mind.</p><p>    “I’m in your shitty car, for some reason I lose control. I spin out and smash int’ the guardrail thing. Then the car is up in the air, bouncing and  I’m free. Like an astronaut. Not dead or whatever.”</p><p>    For the hundredth time, Killua felt like an idiot for calling Gon’s empty phone. He hung up.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <b>9a</b>
</p><p>
  <b>YOU HAVE two NEW MESSAGES</b>
</p><p>“I loved you,” Killua said, and he sounded choked up. There was some snorting and sniffling, and the shuffle of fabric over a phone speaker.</p><p>
  <b>YOU HAVE one NEW MESSAGES</b>
</p><p>“I had that dream again,” Killua said. He sounded far away, sad and tired. He takes a deep breath before he continues. </p><p>“I’m in your shitty car, for some reason I lose control.” There’s a rumble of the road in the background. The whistle of the window in Gon’s car that won’t close all the way.</p><p>“ I spin out and smash int’ the guardrail thing. Then the car is up in the air, bouncing and  I’m free. Like an astronaut.” Killua paused, letting the words hang in the air, seeing how they feel to hear.</p><p>“Not dead or whatever.” he amends after a moment.</p><p>There’s a pause, like Killua might say something else.</p><p>
  <b>YOU HAVE no NEW MESSAGES</b>
</p><p>
  <b>YOU HAVE fifty-seven MESSAGES IN YOUR INBOX.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>WOULD YOU LIKE TO DELETE ANY MESSAGES?</b>
</p><p>“No.”</p><p>
  <b>THAT’S OK, YOUR INBOX CAN STILL HOLD three NEW MESSAGES.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>10</b>
</p><p>    Illumi had bent his knee the wrong way. The doctor explained the physical therapy options because apparently Illumi had told her to explain it all to Killua. He would likely be fine, but it was possible Illumi might not dance again. “Dance.” Killua snorted, thanked the doctor and went into Illumi’s room.</p><p>    He looked mostly the same; worryingly pale, hair longer and blacker than was safe and a face with dead, fishy eyes. </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>8b</b>
</p><p>Killua was here.</p><p>He’d actually come.</p><p>Illumi stowed his book on the bedside table and faced Killua.</p><p>He was a man now, fully grown.</p><p>Illumi’s heart swelled with pride.</p><p>He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts, blue and black respectively.</p><p>He hadn’t combed his hair or washed his face, given the chocolate smears around his lips and the tangle of knots in his hair.</p><p>“Hello.”</p><p>“Yo.”</p><p>“How are you?”</p><p>Killua shrugged, not meeting his eyes.</p><p>Illumi nodded, imagining he understood.</p><p>Killua started fiddling with a pen he’d taken from the front desk, and sat in a chair a ways away from Illumi.</p><p>“How did it happen?”</p><p>Illumi hummed, thinking.</p><p>He never liked to lie.</p><p>“An accident. I told the doctors I fell while performing a pirouette.”</p><p>Killua snorted, clicking the pen and testing the nib on his hand.</p><p>“There isn’t a chance you took up dancing while I was away is there?”</p><p>Illumi inspected Killua, cocking his head to the side.</p><p>Killua bristled under his gaze, still looking down at his hand.</p><p>“I suppose you weren’t born when I did dance.”</p><p>Killua looked up.</p><p>Their eyes met for a moment before Killua whipped his eyes back to his growing skin doodle.</p><p>“What kind of dance?”</p><p>“Ballet. I think I’d still do passingly, even now.”</p><p>A beat.</p><p>“I suppose I <em> could </em> have done it passingly.</p><p>The pen jumped off Killua’s hand.</p><p>Illumi though he could spot beads of blood where it had broken skin.</p><p>“What do you want? Why did you get me here?”</p><p>Illumi hadn’t considered that.</p><p>What did he want?</p><p>“I don’t know,” he said, “perhaps I’m scared. I don’t suppose mother or father would help me at all, Milluki takes this chance to torment me and the rest of the family doesn’t seem to care or notice. Perhaps I want you to reassure me.”</p><p>“Bite me.” Killua said, quickly and angrily.</p><p>He stomped out of the room, sort of petulantly.</p><p>Illumi hummed.</p><p>That was odd.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>11</b>
</p><p>    In the lobby, Killua pulled out his phone. He hovered over the contact, trying to piece together if this was a good idea. It wasn’t. He knew that, he didn’t have enough money to be messing around like this. At the same time, holding out hope was not healthy. He needed to know for sure.</p><p>    He pressed the call button.</p><p>    “What?” they answered.</p><p>    Killua swallowed.</p><p>    “’m ready to make a deal.”</p><p>    There was rustling on the other end of line, and muffled conversation.</p><p>    “What?” the person on the other line asked.</p><p>    “Someone at this number said if I bought a dog they would tell me about a missing person.”</p><p>    “Give me a moment.”</p><p>    “Sure.”</p><p>    Whoever Killua was talking to set down their phone and he could, distantly, hear arguing. Someone else picked up the phone.</p><p>    “Is this that tired guy?”</p><p>    That was a voice Killua recognized.</p><p>    “Yeah, it’s Killua.”</p><p>    “Yeah, come by; pick a dog I can tell you about your boyfriend,” said Knuckle.</p><p>    Killua suppressed his habit of correcting people; they never said they were dating after all.</p><p>    “Coming over. What’s the address?”</p><p>
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</p><p>
  <b>3c</b>
</p><p>    Leorio smirked at him, and that was how Killua knew he was blushing.</p><p>    “You like him too much, Zoldyck; it’s trouble. You got to play cat and mouse a little bit.”</p><p>    Killua rolled his eyes.</p><p>    “Or what? I’ll end up in a relationship?”</p><p>    Leorio shook his head.</p><p>    “This isn’t normal advice, for Kurapika I’d say don’t dance around it, but this is your first; and you’re almost twenty-five. You’ve got too much pent up, you’ll burst if you don’t take it slow.”</p><p>    “Bet I’ll explode,” Killua ‘agreed’, throwing his empty yogurt container into the trash and his spoon into his sink.</p><p>    “It’s Gon’s first serious relationship too I think,” Leorio persisted, “you guys are hurtling towards each other like cars on the wrong side of a freeway.”</p><p>    “Ya-huh, all death and explosions.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>12</b>
</p><p>    Killua crashed his car. He was stopped, dead in the middle of an intersection, watching a pickup truck ripping down the road towards him. He can’t see who's driving. It smashes into the passenger’s side door.</p><p>    Killua jolts awake, grabbing his phone before he knows what he’s doing. Then he’s putting it to his ear, like he knows what comes next.</p><p><b>PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR</b> </p><p>    “Gon Freecs” Gon answered.</p><p>    Killua chuckled.</p><p>    “For a minute I thought it was actually you. I thought you were picking up finally.”</p><p>    Still exhausted, Killua tried to kick his brain into a workable shape.  He bounced his head on the steering wheel, his brain sloshing around while his skull rebounded off cheap plastic.</p><p>    “I really really wish you would pick up. I wish…”</p><p>    Killua hangs up, like he knows what he’s doing. He flings his phone in the passenger’s side seat before starting up Gon’s car. Gon’s car. His shitty, ratty jeep. He throws his chin onto his shoulder, looking back as he pulls out of his parking spot. </p><p>    He’s driving away before he can process Illumi’s fish-like eyes watching him out of the top floor window.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>8c</b>
</p><p>How odd.</p><p>He’d fallen asleep.</p><p>Illumi could only wonder how much rest Killua needed and wasn’t getting.</p><p>Illumi’s fingers twitched, wanting to force sleep onto Killua.</p><p>No, that’s not polite.</p><p>He’ll come around to it.</p><p>He’ll come around.</p><p>Killua sparked awake, and seemed like he was getting a call because putting his phone to his ear was the first thing he did.</p><p>Now he was smacking his head on the wheel.</p><p>How odd.</p><p>Then he threw the phone onto the seat next to him, like the smartphone mother had gotten him six years ago was trash.</p><p>Illumi watched as Killua pulled his spot and drove far too quickly out of the parking lot.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>1e</b>
</p><p>    Alluka noticed Killua was gone. He'd slipped out, maybe an hour ago, maybe more. Her frustration curled inward: why hadn't she paid attention? She excused herself to go to the bathroom. The other two were probably faster to notice. She scrubbed aggressively at her eyes, trying to stem her tears. The door opened.</p><p>    Alluka spun around, uncontrolled tears bubbled out from her eyeballs. Kurapika stood, awkward. He even stood like a cop.</p><p>    “Why are you in the bathroom?”</p><p>    “Killua does the same thing,” Kurapika noted.</p><p>    “What?”</p><p>    “He goes where no one can see when he breaks down.”</p><p>    “I’m not breaking down, can you-,” Alluka stopped, scratching at the hot tears on her face with the back of her hand.</p><p>    A snort broke her iron grip first, then a sob. It was like a damn broke then, and snot and tears started pouring through her face. She felt disgusting, but Kurapika, bless his heart, put a hand on her shoulder. She could feel the tension in his hand, like holding her was touching hot iron. He hated touching people, and being touched. That made Alluka cry harder.</p><p>    “I feel like something terrible is going to happen!” she managed, between her body sucking in air in heaving short breaths.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>13</b>
</p><p>    “God, just pick one already!”</p><p>    Killua looked from one dog to the next. They were lined up dutifully on the urine stained apartment carpet; Husky, St. Bernerd, mixed, mixed, pit bull, mixed, mixed-</p><p>    “Wait, where did you get him?”</p><p>    Killua pointed to an animal near the end of the line, a brown dog bigger than any of its companions. The fur near its eyes gave it the appearance of massive, close comic book style eyes. Killua had no idea how he had looked past it.</p><p>    Knuckle, the man he was talking to, looked to his companion, a thinner man  named Shoot laying across the couch in his underwear. He looked up from his book to meet Knuckle’s gaze.</p><p>    “Ah that one,” Knuckle said, scratching at his chin, “that one was from the guy you’re looking for. He just said ‘you look like good people! I need you to watch him while I’m gone.’”</p><p>    Killua’s guts started to churn. That was Gon, down to the bones. Hopeful about others, too clever and too stupid for his own good. Why had he left Kon with them? Did he know he’d be gone for long? But then why hadn’t he said anything to anyone?</p><p>    Killua was broken from his thoughts by an angry sniff.</p><p>    “Stupid bastard… left a loyal beast like this all by himself. People like that make me sick… ya can’t trust people just because you think they’re nice…”</p><p>    “How much?” Killua said, trying to leave before anyone had emotions at him.</p><p>    Knuckle waved his hand in a dismissive gesture, “Just get out, you can keep him.”</p><p>    Killua was about to point out the hypocrisy of this, but his time with Gon has taught him that debate with stubborn, emotional idiots rarely got you anywhere.</p><p>    “He said he was going to Santa Fe.” Shoot chimed in as Knuckle kneeled down next to the couch.</p><p>    Killua watched this long, purple haired man as he held his book in one hand and pet Knuckle idly with his other. He popped his gaze off the book and onto Killua, suspicious thin eyes digging into Killua’s apathetic expression.</p><p>    “Don’t think I believed him,” Shoot added after a moment, seeming to come to a conclusion. </p><p>“Drove the opposite way of the airport in anycase,” He said, glancing back at his book.</p><p>
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  <b>14</b>
</p><p>    Kon watched Killua from the passenger's seat. At the back of his eyes Killua could see the pickup truck hurling towards him. The glass behind Kon would explode and shower them both. In this vision, Kon was still standing frozen; still just staring at him as Gon’s car flipped over.</p><p>    Killua broke eye contact with the dog. He adjusted his sitting position. He adjusted it again. He tweaked the mirrors, one after another. He took a breath in and out. Santa Fe. They’d talked about it so much, all the time. The perfect place to get away. Killua pulled out his phone. He held it there a second, just watching his hand bounce it up and down. He stuffed it back in his pocket, before turning to face Kon again. The dog watched him. Killua leaned around the dog to open the passenger’s side door. With a little effort, he swung it open wide.</p><p>    Kon craned around behind him, looking out the open door. He turned back to face Killua, as if saying “And...?”</p><p>    Killua took that as his queue to snap.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>15</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>16</b>
</p><p>    Killua stepped out of the car. He took a shuddering breath, trying to come down. He flexed his fingers open and closed. In and out. Open and closed. He noticed the snot was drooling down from his nose and reached into the open car door, across the console and into the glovebox. He rooted around a moment before coming out with a napkin. He blew his nose, then smeared at his eyes with the other side before throwing his napkin onto the ground.</p><p>    Killua snorted, kind of spitefully. He had just had a breakdown in someone else’s parking lot, in someone else's car. He slammed the car door shut, and Kon took this as the moment to jump out of the passenger’s side and circle around the car to sit on the concrete next to him. Killua slid down the side of the car, looking at the bright blue sky and wishing idly for a better angsty ambience.</p><p>    Kon was still staring at him, apparently expectantly. Killua made eye contact with the creature’s intelligent grey eyes. There wasn’t much there, just curiosity. He looked back to the horizon; the mostly empty parking lot and the slope down at the edge of the lot.</p><p>    He could drive off that slope. Frankly, it seemed to be begging for it.  It didn’t have guardrails or anything like that, maybe the landlord had been too cheap. If he slammed on the gas pedal from this end of the parking lot to the other, he coud go sailing off and flip Gon’s car end over end into a fucking tree. Maybe it would explode.</p><p>    Killua looked back to Kon. The dog was still just watching him. Would he be smart enough to know that’s what Killua was trying to do? Would he care? Kon just watched him, like that was an answer.</p><p>    Killua called Gon again.</p><p>
  <b>PLEASE LE-</b>
</p><p>    Killua hung up.</p><p>    “Come on doggy.”</p><p>    As Killua stood up, Kon trotted around to the other side and hopped up into the passenger’s side. Killua unlocked his car door and slid inside. He put his key in the ignition and turned it.</p><p>    The first thing he did was smash his foot onto the brake pedal. He hung there, everything immobile but the engine. Would it kill him? There was no way to know; people can fall a hundred different ways. He clasped the steering wheel with both hands. He leaned off the brake and slouched back in his chair. He looked up at the sky as Gon’s car started to roll forward. Blue sky for miles. Killua wondered if they even shared a sky right now.</p><p>    He called Gon as his car rolled along the pavement.</p><p><b>PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR</b> </p><p>    “Gon Freecs” Gon answered.</p><p>    “I’m keeping your car. And your dog. And I’m going to move in with Ikalgo and work at his place. And if you ever show your face...”</p><p>    “I don’t know. Goodbye.”</p><p> </p><p>9b</p><p>
  <b>YOUR INBOX IS AT CAPACITY AND YOU WILL BE UNABLE TO RECEIVE NEW MESSAGES UNTIL YOU DELETE ONE OR MORE MESSAGES</b>
</p><p>
  <b>YOU HAVE three NEW MESSAGES</b>
</p><p>“For a minute I thought it was actually you. I thought you were picking up finally.”</p><p>    Something about his voice sounded far away, like Killua was sharing a joke with himself. Something no one else was privy to. There was a moment of silence before he said;</p><p>“I really really wish you would pick up. I wish…”</p><p>    Whatever that thought was, it didn’t make it past Killua’s lips.</p><p>
  <b>YOU HAVE two NEW MESSAGES</b>
</p><p>“Fucking Santa Fe. I hate the hot weather but you said it would be nice and I just wanted whatever you wanted and,” Killua hiccuped, and after that killed his momentum he stopped talking for a long time.</p><p>    “I hope you’re dead,” he said finally, sounding truly, deeply hateful.</p><p>
  <b>YOU HAVE one NEW MESSAGES</b>
</p><p>    A long, crackling silence.</p><p>    “I’m keeping your car.” Killua said. It sounded like he’d calmed down, like he had a more level head.</p><p>    “And I’m going to move in with Ikalgo and work at his place. And if you ever show your face…” these next words stumbled out, tumbling one over the other likes a dozen acrobats all trying to show off in a very confined space.</p><p>    There was another long pause.</p><p>“I don’t know. Goodbye.”</p><p>
  <b>YOUR INBOX IS AT CAPACITY AND YOU WILL BE UNABLE TO RECEIVE NEW MESSAGES UNTIL YOU DELETE ONE OR MORE MESSAGES</b>
</p><p>
  <b>WOULD YOU LIKE TO DELETE ANY MESSAGES?</b>
</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>
  <b>OK PLEASE PRESS ONE TO SEE A LIST OF MESSAGES, OR PRESS 9 TO DELETE ALL MESSAGES.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>OK, ALL MESSAGES IN YOUR INBOX ARE MARKED FOR DELETION, IS THIS OK?</b>
</p><p>    “Yes.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tell my artist I'm sorry.<br/>I'm on tumblr too I guess.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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